My niece is getting married this week. She met her fiance in 9th grade and they started dating on her 14th birthday. Now they're 22 and they won a contest for a "no pay wedding day," probably because their romance is so sweet and inspiring. They've never broken up or wanted to be with anyone else.
I was telling their story to friends the other day and the man said "Why would they want to be married?" I had forgotten that he has chosen not to marry his partner of 22 years, even though they have a child together and own a home. I think of them as married.
It reminds me of visiting my parents with my husband before we were married. It was Christmastime and I was so hoping for a ring. But my husband wasn't ready to make that commitment. I knew we'd be sleeping apart because that was my parents' policy for unmarried people in their home. At the airport when we arrived, my dad said to me "You and Peter will be sleeping in your room." Shocked, I said to him "Dad, we're not married!" (as if he hadn't noticed) He shrugged and said "Some people just seem married."
My friends seem married, but don't choose to be. They say their relationship is better than most of the married people they know, as if marriage would ruin it. My niece and her intended are over the moon that they're finally tying the knot. What's the difference? I don't think the difference is marriage; I think the difference is the people in the marriage, their choices and intentions. I believe my friends would have the same relationship they have now, even if they did marry, because of who they are and what they want together.
I believe a good marriage brings out the best in us, enhances us, makes us more than we would be on our own. In my work as a Marriage, Family Therapist and Life Coach, I often see the results of marriages that have torn people down, diminished them and left them hurting and bitter. Over and over I see and read in the news about people who have so completely lost touch with themselves and the other person that they convince themselves that happiness can only be found outside of their union.
But happiness is an inside job. And deep within, we are all longing to love and be loved. Great marriages grow over time from an ongoing choice to show one other who you really are and find ways to feel fond of what is seen there. And even when you zig and the other zags and sparks fly as a result, you both find ways to come back to being kind and heal the rifts before they become chasms.
I think that people who don't choose marriage find other ways to love and be loved. Personally I love being married. I love living with my best friend, someone who knows me better with each passing year, with whom I have shared almost half of my life. By now we've worked out most of the kinks. He's got my back and I've got his. We aren't completely similar and we each have parts of us that get fed outside the marriage. But when we come home and we climb into bed at night, we know we're with someone we respect and admire, someone who matters. And that means to the world to me.
(This blog was inspired by a quote that I read in Time Magazine ~ "Adultery is not about sex or romance. Ultimately, it is about how little we mean to one another." If you'd like to receive my Quote of the Week, please e-mail me ~ janet@reachinghappiness.com.)